A Vulnerable Share From the Stage (and a lesson)
I had so much fun speaking, playing the violin, and leading a meditation session for the Connecticut Naturopathic Physicians Association Conference this weekend 🙂
Was also happy to see an Introverted Visionaries Mastermind alumni of ours there who has since sold his practice and the recurring income business we helped him grow has continued to hit new heights while he’s been able to scale back his time involvement in the business..so inspiring.
As I played violin at the reception on Friday evening, I enjoyed playing pieces that I’ve always wanted to play and even fun stuff like Coldplay’s Viva La Vida. But what the naturopathic doctors in attendance didn’t know was:
When I offered to play for the reception, there was a part of me that was excited and another that thought “what in the world am I doing?” Yes, people used to hire me to play for their weddings & receptions, but it had been over 25 years since they had done so.
What they also didn’t know was that although I was accepted to Peabody Conservatory of Music many years ago, it had been only in recent years when I’ve picked up the violin again and the idea of playing solo for over an hour felt really exposed & nerve wracking.
What most people didn’t see was this:
Many years ago, I had a couple of auditions where nerves took over. My bow would shake. My sound wouldn’t come out right. I’d leave the audition feeling embarrassed and defeated, especially at the results. It was unresolved trauma of sorts. Logically, it didn’t make sense to get nervous, but the heart racing uncontrollably and bow shaking would just happen and recovering from it especially in audition situations felt difficult (even after trying all sorts of things to calm my nerves). Since picking up the violin again, I’ve so much wanted to grasp consistency and confidence again when performing solo in front of people. But since coming back into the music scene and playing in summer classical festival orchestras in Europe in recent years, I haven’t auditioned in person except once when I did and screwed up–I have been auditioning via video because I had a secret. I knew that if I started to get nervous, I might start to lose control of the bow…and be very embarrassed at my playing.
So when I said yes to playing for the Friday night reception, I knew it would stretch me.
And it did.
When the reception was over, in my high, I posted a clip on social media that night.
But I woke up the next morning, listened to some of the recordings and thought “wow, I need to watch my tempo as it was all over the place at times”. That was because of my own shortcomings, amplified with the hard to hear music recording accompaniment with all the talking in the room, and second guessing myself.
The clip I shared also had a section of bow stroke style I played that wasn’t fitting for that piece. I thought, “Maybe I shouldn’t have shared that. It wasn’t up to my standards of excellence.” I battled with myself about taking that clip down. But finally, as I chose to leave up that clip with all its imperfections, I felt exposed and naked because people can judge me for my work that isn’t as perfect as I feel it could be.
What this experience has taught me is so many things as I’m exercising a new muscle in violin performance:
Enjoyment of the moment over perfection 🙂 Confidence over being totally prepared.
Although I’m great with that in business, I needed to ‘get that’ in my body again when performing violin solo.
And here are the lessons I’m taking with me–not just in music, but in life and business too:
1. We can always seek perfection in our craft…whether it’s in our clinical work, speaking (ie, coming up with what to say so we feel totally prepared), or getting ready to launch a group program or online course. But if we wait until we feel “ready”, the moment may pass us by.
Share your passion even on your path to mastery. Let yourself enjoy the process. Even if it isn’t perfect & we don’t feel totally ready yet.
2. If we have high standards, we are likely our own biggest critic. But when we have confidence in ourselves, people feel it and that’s what they’ll remember.
What I was proud of having that night was confidence. In the past, if I were to play a note out of tune, that would lead me to have all sorts of thoughts about how it was a disaster & how embarrassing it was. But that night, I just kept playing and enjoying the music while letting go of my imperfections. Afterwards, people came up to me and expressed how they felt it was beautiful.
The honest truth?
There were things to improve. But I also knew I had reclaimed something.
And I was proud of that.
I also know that the more I put myself in these situations, the more my body will regain that sense of confidence.
To you stepping outside of your comfort zone…
To saying yes, even when it feels nerve wracking…
To sharing your passion even before you feel “ready”.
As the only way to new heights is going beyond the edges of our comfort zone 🙂
To your next level breakthrough & the most soul-aligned expression of your brilliance.
Enjoy this clip (and the ones below it, including the one I thought to take down after originally sharing it on Facebook):
La Cumparsita the video I thought to take down
(I confess that in the YouTube version, the part where I was uneven in tempo is cut out 🙂 If you were hoping to watch my boo boo, go find it on Facebook)
Dvorak “American” String Quartet-Lento (one of my favorite pieces)
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Thank you for that share – of the music and of your worries and doubts 🙂
I know that my biggest steps growing forward are when I went out of my comfort zone – it was painful sometimes and has always been worth it.
In appreciation – Cammie
(PS. it’s kind of how I am feeling as I have shyly begun this work with you…)
❤️